His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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