how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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