I will die if light touches me.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
