Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
