I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
As shirtless as possible
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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