dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
