Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
