I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
