please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My penis needs a shock collar
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
