We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
40s are totally the cure
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
