I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you didnt know i had herpes?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
