We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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