just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
