he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
cat food counts as protein by the way
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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