I want to have your abortion
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
