I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
