Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
