If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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