its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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