he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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