I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
