I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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