Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
