We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
