If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Acid is not a monday night drug
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
