you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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