This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
