Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
