i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
