Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
