I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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