girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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