Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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