how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
