I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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