I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
3 2 1 whiskey
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
