went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
