I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
