my phone needs a breathalizer
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
