haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
