Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
