I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm experimenting with sincerity
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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