i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
