Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
