I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
