Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
