Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I would fuck him just for his dog
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
