Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
