i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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