i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
