I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
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