I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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