my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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