Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
